Just Be You ❤

I realise I've been a bit silent on here lately. I'm still trying to get my head around what's going on in the world, but I'm back ready to share a little more about what it's like living with Tourette's. Firstly, if you read my last blog you will have read about my leg tics. My legs were constantly ticking and I was using crutches daily as I could not walk. However, I can now say that in April my legs stopped constantly ticking! I believe in a loving and powerful God who is the reason why I can walk properly again! I still have leg tics (but they are not as frequent and they usually only happen now if I have dairy) and I'm much more independent now when these leg tics do happen.

I want you to know today that it's ok to struggle, and to help you to understand that, I'm going to share with you a little bit about how my Tourette's has affected me during this lockdown. So, let's start off by going way back to March when the world changed completely. I started off March at a residential for a youth evangelism year called Amplify. I LOVED Amplify, not only was I equipped to go out and share my faith but I also made some amazing friends who accept me for who I am. I made friends who didn't mind when my legs started ticking in front of them and I suddenly couldn't walk, friends who didn't mind losing sleep because of my tics and most of all, I made friends who cared about me. I felt very comfortable ticking at the residential and there was no judgement at all. The Amplify residential was the last time I properly went out before lockdown but it was definitely the best place to go before lockdown.

I came home from Amplify and that's when everything began to change. I took myself out of college earlier than most people and began to do college work from home. I didn't do this because I wanted to but because of the new ticks I was developing. My Tourette's (which I like to call Tory the Tourette's) thought it would be funny to start some 'new tics' that 'fit in' with covid. The guidelines said don't touch your face, I touched my face. The guidelines said don't put your hands near your mouth, I would put my hands in my mouth. The guidelines said to stay at home if you developed a cough, and you'll never guess what, I started a coughing tic. So because of this I decided that working from home would be the best option for me.

At this point I thought I would still be sitting my A levels so I was studying day and night, but once exams got cancelled, the reality of coronavirus suddenly hit me. At the time I had no idea that we would go into a lockdown that would last this long. Not seeing people, the lack of routine and constantly being at home has really affected my tics. Constantly ticking is tiring, exhausting and I don't get a break from it. I used to think that by staying at home my tics would be a lot calmer, but I'm still waiting for this. With the change of routine, I've struggled to sleep and struggled to accept my tics. However, everyone is struggling in their own way during this pandemic, and it's not easy but we will get through it! 

June was Tourette's awareness month and by this point in lockdown I was really struggling with my tics. Not going out in society meant that I didn't feel comfortable ticking in front of people again. I was worried that people would have forgotten that I had Tourette's and may have reacted to my tics badly, so, I decided to raise some awareness for Tourette's as I knew I wasn't the only person who felt this way. I wrote a post on social media asking if anyone had any questions about Tourette's. Posting on social media and giving people opportunities to ask questions allowed me to educate people further so that there is a greater understanding of Tourette's in society. The response from my posts was amazing, and it helped me to understand that the majority of people are caring, understanding and see me as 'Caitlin' not as 'The girl with Tourette's'.

Since then, I've began to accept my tics again and tried not to worry about other people's opinions of me. I've now done a couple of online youth preaches and I've been involved every week with our online weekly Church service where I try not to suppress my tics but instead I try to just be myself. I still frequently 'mute' myself when on zoom calls so that people don't have to listen to my tics, but this is something I'm still working on.

Having Tourette's in lockdown has definitely been a challenge for me but I am fully aware that you might be facing a completely different challenge. We are all handling our struggles in different ways at the moment and it will take some of us longer to adapt to the lockdown being lifted than others. For myself, I'm slowly trying to live a bit of a more 'normal' life again. I've met up with a couple of friends and have even visited the post office! Yes, some strangers didn't like my tics and a little girl did threaten to hit me with a stick because of my tics (and her mother gave her permission!) but I'm trying to look at the positives and not listen to people's opinions of me. Lockdown may be lifting but some people need more time to get back into society than others. Don't make anyone go anywhere or do anything that is out of their comfort zone, but instead build people up, support your friends and family and be there for them! 

Take your time to adjust again, and try not to listen to what other people have to say about you. Whether you're struggling with Tourette's, mental health, physical health or something completely different...

Take your time, Stay strong and Just be you! ❤